had & sappy

baby, that's a case of my wishful thinking

2010-06-11T12:52:00.000-07:00

listening to: if it kills me - jason mraz.

i think i might be back on this blog. i disappeared away to my ivanerisms.tumblr.com, but i think i need to avoid anything you're involved in, just so i don't start feeling less than myself.

my parents & brother are coming in from japan today. i miss them, but at the same time i'm worried about my routine. i have a lifestyle i am not sure my parents would readily accept, and i think that prevents me from looking forward to their stay, as much as i know it is needed. i love my parents & brother, don't get me wrong. i'm just nervous as to how the following couple of weeks will be. kind of like having my out-of-town in-laws sort of cliche, except they're my own parents.

more later? hopefully.

you've got your friends & i've got all this time

2010-04-29T01:00:00.000-07:00

listening to: stranger, you & i - daphne love derby.

sloppy. i made that in about 30 minutes. anyway, i was TRYING to beat the negative nancy out of me by using my energy in making that optimistic handmade paper cutout. bah. i don't know why i get this way!

to be honest, this is the MOST jealous i've ever been in a relationship. not that i have a reason to be right now, nor does any of my "reasons" to be are actually legitimate. but i don't know. sorry, bad grammar. but i mean, i'm not jealous now. i'm just reflecting on how jealous i DO get.

i have a few theories on my reasons for being super insecure in this one.

1) because i've been hurt before. in a very serious way. & though i've moved on in my heart & have forgiven myself, there's still a lot of aftermath damage to my self-esteem, my trust, & everything that's required in having a healthy relationship with yourself & with another.
2) because i don't have many of my own friends in this city, & i often feel alone & sometimes dependent on him for social contact.
3) because i believe all his girl friends look like a typical "pretty asian girl," & you're typically friends with people that are at least mildly attractive to you (in any way, not just physical), & since they all look the same to me, then that must be his ideal "beauty." i don't fit the mold.
4) because of his past behaviors & interests, & the evidence of it all that's still available on the internet.

so basically, my past & his pas both contribute to my being insecure & overly, unnecessarily jealous & suspicious of him all the time :( it's incredibly unfair, time-consuming, & energy-consuming. it's detrimental to our relationship. it's UNNECESSARY! because i know he loves me & i love him. but still! i get this way!

so i've asked him to bare with me & try not to rock my self-esteem while i try to build myself back up. & there were episodes of events in which it brought me close to tears. i'd be so upset over silly little things that i would explode into big deals! & they ARE big deals when i'm this sensitive! my feelings are not any less. so i don't understand him when he does things that hurt me, knowing they hurt me.

it hurts me, so it's causing me to become this super nazi girlfriend who's constantly checking up on him. that's not healthy either! i just wish his twitter didn't exist so i didn't have to use my energy on this. instead i could continue focusing on my self-esteem. i've been working out. i've been spending time with family.

perhaps i should really consider therapy. WHAT AM I SAYING? i have. i just don't have anyone to help me actually get to it. it's all bark but no bite! talk but no action! so really, i'm struggling to just help myself while he keeps his damn twitter that upsets me every time :(

sigh.

i don't know, it makes me want to give up sometimes. not on bringing myself back up, but on "us," so that i can bring myself back up without having to exert energy into this twitter thing.

i swear, if he could just PUT IT ON HOLD at least. for my sake. but for his sake, he keeps it.

which leads me back to the argument in my head that i should leave him now with his twitter so that i may focus on myself.

god, am i that much of a fool sometimes?

you'll always keep it together

2010-04-21T01:33:00.000-07:00

listening to: my soldier - aj rafael.

i don't feel like i have much to say anymore. at least i'm keeping myself busy. i have one month left before a whole new routine comes about... i'm ready for something new, always!

bleh. i need to clean my room. a trip to ikea yesterday inspired me, but alas the lack of money isn't helping my situation.

i wonder.

she knows she's part of the problem too...

2010-04-19T11:13:00.000-07:00

listening to: tisbury lane - mae.

could she let it go?

i made the card pictured above for isaac & my 10th month-iversary last saturday. i stole it after i gave it to him to see if he'd notice. it's okay he didn't.

i believe we should be friends before we continue to be lovers. i don't know if that makes sense. but i want to go backwards & work on the foundation of our relationship. i feel like that would be helpful in trying to make us work.

i don't want to be insecure. i don't want to be jealous. i don't want to get hurt. i don't want to feel like we're disconnected. i don't want to feel inadequate. i don't want him to think he can't have friends & be with me too. i don't want to feel like it's always such an ultimatum between us.

my body has been feeling so heavy lately.

i love tisbury lane by mae. it's lyrics sound sad, but it's such a mellow song.

i'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

2010-04-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

listening to: need you now - lady antebellum.

i feel inadequate.

where i'd lie awake

2010-04-10T02:31:00.000-07:00

listening to: sleepless- until june.

credit: happysad

happy-3-in-the-morning. i've managed to watch an episode of kitchen's nightmare. i felt an aftershock (possibly) from mexico's easter earthquake. i played farmville on facebook. i went through my collection of happysad for fun. i read my dailies. humdun. i can't sleep.

yesterday & today i've managed to talk to most everyone that's been wanting to say something to me. i've been avoiding everything. but i answered ate cathy's call (on accident, to be honest), & ended up having conversation after conversation with her, my father, my cousin ate karren, my boyfriend, my best friend, my cousin pauline, my aunty leny, and my uncle oscar. all of them fairly emotional with a great deal of tears involved on my part. i'm tired, & cried out now. & i've somewhat moved back home.

i still don't know if it's the most desirable thing for me to do, but it is probably the best thing for me to do. though i am certain i'm still in pretty deep shit, considering i have yet to talk to my mother. sigh. that makes me sad the most.

i do love everyone that's been trying to support me. it's just... i don't know. i think there must be something wrong with me. i keep feeling this way. i do want to try & get professional help. therapy & the like. but i don't know where to start & i suck at asking for help. i don't even want to ask to ask for help.

i have to wake up in 3 hours.

i write i sentences too much.

okay, go watch kitchen nightmare. i think next time i'll blog, i won't be so out of it -_____-

& i wish to feel smaller under your sheets.

2010-04-08T09:22:00.000-07:00

listening to: a wish - gregory & the hawk.

credits: happysad

i don't even know where to start.

no. that's all i got.

maybe i'm a fool for speaking up

2010-04-06T23:12:00.000-07:00

listening to: all about you - bruno mars.

i realize i haven't blogged in a while.

a lot has happened & i don't know how much of it i really want to get into. to sum it up, i've had my share of good days & really bad days. i left my relatives' house (not completely), stopped contacting my family, & now currently live with my boyfriend & his family until i can get back up on my feet.

but i've also managed to spend a dinner laughing over silly stories after having burnt my first attempt at chicken adobo. i went to little tokyo & ate mochi & visited a museum. i've been working, doing well in school, & keeping my life as close to normal as possible. just... with a few major setbacks.

. . .

i'm a runner-awayer. sometimes, it's a good thing. it really is. when i left berkeley, it saved me from who knows what & what kind of year i would've had. but right now, i don't know what i'm doing. somedays i feel like i'm so close to losing everything.

i don't want to continue this anymore. the song i'm listening to is cheerful. you should click that link, & when you're down, sing a song. :)

the words are only sounds.

2010-03-22T01:45:00.000-07:00

listening to: traffic in the sky - jack johnson.

i know i should sleep! (un)fortunately, my relatives got internet for the house. so now i have internet :3 & i'm staying up until almost 2 in the morning!

i have several things floating in my mind that i wish to ramble about. humdun. let's see where this goes:

ate karren comes home!
my cousin, karren, left sometime last year to new york to continue with her med school. she came to visit during the winter holidays but i was in japan. so when she came to visit this time, i made sure to see her & spend time with her. i haven't hung out with my family like that in a really long time. i miss them. i miss spending time time with them. there's a lot more to this, but eh.

drinking & being drunk
last saturday, isaac's coworker had a party at her place. i had a closing shift at regal, but i figured i could make part of it if i left early. jaena & i finished up working & clocked out before 11:30 so both of us could leave early. isaac picked me up & i changed into some green outfit for the st.patrick theme. i haven't been to a party in a really, really long time. i'm not much of a drinker nowadays. probably because i can't get away with it as much & everything that has happened from before. but isaac was there to take care of me & i decided to stay out for the night (:S), so i figured why not? let's just say i was horribly lightweight. & i forgot the majority of my night :(

on seafood diet?!
just kidding. but no, seriously i've been craving specific foods like no other. isaac & i went to go eat at crab hut on friday after we got paid & we ate 4 pounds of shrimp. seriously! i get cravings, & then it becomes my "reward" or treat out or something. usually i get sushi or curry cravings. shrimp is a big one. & occasionally thai food. i once drove around san diego for almost two hours trying to find thai food off of the few information i was able to get on the internet (back when i did not have internet so i could only load a few google map pages before my signal died) okay, rambling! i told you. but right now i've been on a chicken-wings sort of craving. like hooters, but not necessarily hot wings. sigh. i probably won't until my next paycheck.

goodness. i don't know what else to write about.

i want a camera. i want to finish my projects in my head. i want to clean my room!

k, i don't know what to really talk about. i just know i'm awake at night again :(

just gotta live it up & enjoy it now

2010-03-18T21:30:00.000-07:00

listening to: i have no idea, but i like it?

noah & i in the car.

yesterday was excellent. a couple of days ago, isaac & i had a really big fight & i was really upset. but yesterday made up for it.

the weather was comfortable, sunny & warm. i left for school in the morning, & everything was pretty routine except that i skipped my second class for an extra hour of cram time. an hour before my last class, christian met me at the admissions building to read up on the book for our midterm the next hour. i don't know why he chose to study so late & right before the midterm. i ended up triple checking & left the class last :( i don't know how i did! but i was already in a good mood, so the midterm didn't kill me too bad!

isaac came over with noah around 2:30. we decided on going on a picnic for our 9 month-iversary. i've never really celebrated the months, but with isaac, each month we get through i feel like we go through a lot. it feels nice to kind of have an excuse for a date. he drove us over to ocean beach where we set up at the dog beach area. he made us sandwiches & prepared fruits, chips, guacamole, & soda :) noah got to play with other dogs, & ended up going in the water :( darn dog! we only stayed for an hour, but that wasn't bad at all. it was really nice!

noah putting up with us as we make him a bunny.

then we drove over to our favorite pet store, unleashed, by chula vista. i've been going there since they opened, which was coincidentally the exact same date we got noah. they're always so nice & they have the most amazing customer service. plus, i really love their products & their dog-wash service. every time i get paid, i tend to use part of my paycheck there :( hahaha. we gave noah a bath at the self-serve dog wash, & then bought him some of his darn favorite cold yogurt treats. it was such a warm day, so it was perfect for him!

i believe we went home after this? we ate dinner at isaac's house, watched the hangover (our first date), & then went out to seaport village to walk around at night. it was a pretty fun day all in all.

you've figured me out.

2010-03-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

listening to: if it kills me - jason mraz.

MyCardboardLife

i will try to label my randomness for some sense of structure, but really... it's not. & this is a long one, because i feel like i haven't done this in forever

on my song choice
i like this song that came up on my pandora as i started to blog, but it reminds me a bit too much. but anyway, i like jason mraz. i really want new CDs. i haven't bought a CD in a while... not since my second-to-last trip to Amoeba in the bay area, back when i lived up there. oh man, cheap CDs for the win.

on blogging
i apologize, mostly to my self, for the lack of blogging. i miss my old blogging habits terribly, even if they were rather scattered & all over the place. not that they're not, but it's dwindling! i blame my lack of internet!

on work last night
right now, one part coffee & three part creamer is running through my system. i went to bed at 2 in the morning last night after having worked an hour & a half past the time i was supposed to be off. my general manager texted the managers on duty & told them that the employees needed to make sure to detail the crusty oven in the back... at 11PM. ms. S said it best with, "she texted me at 11. WHY ISN'T SHE SLEEPING?!" oh, mrs. b. you live regal cinemas. so david & i stayed after to clean & scrub the super crusty oven that was caked in burnt food particles >< isaac came over to pick me up at 11:30 :( oh woe was he! sitting at the tables waiting for me forever. but he's sweet for picking me up/dropping me off whenever he can :)

on waking up early
so while isaac stayed up to pick me up, i woke up early this morning to drive him to state for his 8AM opening shift :( i woke up at 6 after 4 hours of sleep, took a shower to wake myself up, drove over, let myself into his house, snuggled with him in bed for about 20 minutes before heading outside to feed our dog while he got ready for work. so since about 7:45 this morning, i've been hanging out at the library at his school. 1 hour of trying to sleep despite my paranoia that someone will steal linus (my laptop), then 2 hours of actual on & off naptime. around 11 i ate with isaac while he was on a 15, & now i'm blogging. still ridiculously tired. i should be studying. at least i don't have work!

on comics
the strip above is from my newest favorite comic, MyCardboardLife. i've been reading several online strips for the past couple of months. i like simple-faced ones with semi-pathetic main characters! HappySad (which somewhat inspired the name of this blog)& Stick Girl are probably my tops. Stick Girl inspired the first attempt on my first post. i still love the Peanut gang though! i remade my tumblr (not really) to see if it'll give me an incentive to start drawing comics. i attempted my own hourly comic as well, but i'm so horribly busy with school, work, noah, & isaac that i never get to any of my projects.

okies, well, that's a lot for now. more later, eventually.

this smile that i don't even recognize.

2010-03-04T21:29:00.000-08:00

listening to: the good kind - the wreckers.

kurt halsey

i'm doing things for myself. it's the only way i can save myself.

today was the first day i went running in a really long time. it helped cleared my head. it allowed me to listen to myself, really listen to myself.

i believe i deserve to be happy. i try hard to feel good about myself, but it can't happen this way. i need to do things for myself.

anyway, my goal is to lose 15 pounds before my 21st birthday. i want to run at least three times a week. i want to wake up & be a morning person on my own. i want to grow me hair long so i can donate to locks for love. i want to get at least a 3.5 gpa, a first since high school. i want to BE MYSELF.

i'm so happy i touched my toes today. that has been my new year's resolution for two years now. i want to be more flexible, more in shape, and more happy about myself, & achieving one goal makes me optimistic.

i also want to treat myself out. i stopped doing that. now i spend money on my dog & my boyfriend. i need some for myself.

i keep saying this, but i don't let it happen. i let myself get hurt by you. this isn't healthy. i cry & it's not the good kind. i don't want you to think that me having the idea of taking skanky pictures of myself is a good thing. actually, i think it shows how low my self-esteem is, & i'm almost sad you didn't disagree with my so-called good idea. how low i was willing to stoop to make myself feel like i can impress you. this isn't for you anymore. it's for me.

anyway, back to studying.

you don't know me at all

2010-03-03T18:08:00.000-08:00

listening to: you don't know me - ben folds.

angry little girls

warning: a rant.

one: i've been a ticking time bomb lately! so tense it makes my back ache.
two: my psychology 101 class is highly irritating due to the behavior of several of my classmates.
three: i am trying my best to get my academic life together, & the entire situation is just adding stress.
four: when you put the three together, you get an ivane-explosion waiting to happen!

so i walk in class today after having been very stressed out & upset over something else. i settle down ready to take notes & immerse myself in class. but behind me sits one of the most annoying persons i've ever shared a class with. i've been irritated at my classmates for several things, but i never say anything. mostly, there are certain students that are extremely disrespectful. they talk while the teacher is talking, make extremely inappropriate jokes about things that should not be joked about, pack up & leave class before its over, & laugh at the teacher. they're ridiculously distracting! & extremely rude! one certain male student sits behind me. he's moved behind me because the professor got tired of his talking in the back, but he continues all the same. my professor interrupts class time again & again to try to get these certain people to stop, but they keep going. i'm amazed at her tolerance & wish i had the same thing. but today i finally snapped.

after hearing my classmate make a rude comment after every little thing our professor says today, i finally jotted down a quick passive aggressive note stating: "may you please keep your thoughts to yourself? you're highly distracting." he of course finds this a complete joke, laugh about it to the guy next to him, & jokes "hey, pass this back!" i've had enough of his rudeness, & i can't help myself. if i don't get out of that class, i was seriously going to go off & probably regret making a fool of myself. so i pack up my things, & in a very rushed, non-graceful way, i start to leave class. of course everyone notices, i sit in the middle seat of the front row. unfortunately i have to cross in front of the teacher to get to the door, so i start apologizing right away, but am emotional as i try to leave. she stops me, understands what's going on, but seems to want to know why i chose to leave. right then & there i tell off my classmate in front of my 45-something class.

"HOW can YOU be so DISRESPECTFUL?! if you DON'T want to be in this class, then DON'T BE IN IT. JUST LEAVE. STOP DISRESPECTING the teacher the way you do. I couldn't care LESS if you waste your time & money, BUT DON'T WASTE MINE. SHUT UP OR LEAVE. I CAN'T even take my notes without you DISTRACTING ME. IT'S OBVIOUS YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ANYONE. YOU. HAVE. NO. RESPECT. I'm sorry professor, but I can't sit here & listen to him act the way he's acting. I can't focus or take notes. I have to go."

she then stands there in front of the class, calms me down & tells me that she has to put up with it too, & asks me if i'd stay & put up with them together. she then gets me to sit in her desk in front of the whole class. to be honest, i couldn't care less of what my class thought of me. i really don't. i did feel bad interrupting the class the way i did, but he just ticked me off & set me off. i end up sitting there the rest of the period, taking notes. the rest of the class period, he doesn't talk. actually, no one else does either.

i'm kind of quiet when it comes to class. i probably participate & raise my hands at most once a lecture during her class, while in other classes it varies. but in her class, i mostly take notes & listen to lecture. i scored the highest on the first test, & i'm never absent minus one day where i wasn't on campus at all. so for me to explode the way i did i'm pretty sure gave everyone an odd impression of me. i couldn't care less.

that's all. i really just wanted to get it out of my system. i know i did so in class, but to be honest, i was in such a rage i barely remember if i worded things the way i thought i did in my head -___-#

if i'm better off?

2010-03-02T20:18:00.000-08:00

listening to: the little things - colbie caillat.

notebookdoodles.blogspot.com

i don't mean the title, it's just that sometimes i feel like i get way too emotional over things that won't ever change. i try to change how i approach things, but my emotions get in the way. & then i feel bad. & then i get frustrated at blaming myself again over things i can't control. i can't control how other people feel or what they do, especially when it comes to our relationship. all these outside factors that have done damaged in some way, well i couldn't control their actions. but as hard as i try to keep control over how i react to them, i can't help but let little things get to me!

augh! that was frustrating-ly emotional! i try, i really do. but i highly disagree with the idea of ignoring your feelings. you can control your poker face all you want but we humans are emotional beings!

please don't give up when it's easy

2010-02-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

listening to: tisbury lane - mae.

link: yatzer.com

isn't this an amazing structure? i have a thing for tree houses, but this is something else all together. it's pretty fantastical :) it makes me wish i continued architecture as a major. i remember in berkeley i would stay up at night at my studio or study room in my dorm with scraps of ideas scattered around me while i tried to finish a model. i wasn't very innovative with my designs. but this is very pretty & i think just taking classes in environmental designs deepened my appreciation for architecture.

backtrack! majors. i'm currently trying to transfer to SDSU to pursue my new major, psychology. i am a bit concerned about the time that it will take before it actually happens. i wonder if psychology is a good choice. kuya chris would always tell me that it doesn't really matter what's on your degree as long as you have one. i don't know, school is very stressful but i am trying my hardest not to let it get to me the way it did back when i attended berkeley. i wish i knew how to enjoy myself in a more productive manner. kind of like how morrie did so in tuesdays with morrie by mitch alboum.

i just finished reading tuesdays with morrie last night, btw. i enjoyed it and it was a fast read, but i think a lot of the "lessons" were easier said than done. anyway, that's all for now. later days!

your lips touching mine in the photobooth

2010-02-24T20:23:00.000-08:00

listening to: photobooth - death cab for cutie.

kekekeke. so i made this for isaac back in september. ever since, we've had quite a thing for photostrips. i think we have ... 6-8 to date? 3-4 from booths, 3-4 from his cousin's wedding.

secondly, aside from a lovely tablet, i would also like a digital camera with an acceptable battery life. speaking of battery life, my laptop's AND cell phone's batteries die in less than 4 hours. awesome, no? no!

everything looks perfect from far away

2010-02-24T17:32:00.000-08:00

listening to: such great heights - the postal service.

greetings! this is an attempt at a blog #14? i think 14. anyway, excuse my rushed & sloppy comic! i do not have a tablet. but yes, the characters that will probably show up in my comics will be myself, my boyfriend, isaac, & possibly our dog, noah. also excuse my bad grammar & sentence structure. my blogging is very sporadic & all over the place. with that, onwards march!

... actually, i don't have much else to say now that i think about it -____-#